One confession: after the euphoria of the Indian movie revolution in the early eighties, when we were kids; watching the “Shole”, “Shakti”, “MARD”, “Yer van dera”e.t.c. I lost the Indian movie appeal. American movies top my collection list now, forget those Nigerian movies- never a fan. Especially when I have a multimedia project to work on, I love a movie playing in the background, as a result of this, there’s hardly any series movie I’ve not watched.

The staggering accumulation of 6 Oscar awards by the film, Slum Dog Millionaire caught my attention. It was about the story of Jamal Malik, an 18 year-old orphan from the slums of Mumbai, who was one question away from winning a staggering 20 million rupees on India’s version of “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” When the show took a break from the episode, the anchor got the police to was promptly arrested arrested and interrogated on why a boy from the slums was so “brilliant” as to be able to answer the most difficult ones but could not answer the basic simple questions posed to him on the hot seat.

Jamil takes his interrogators through the maze of his live, from living and playing in the midst of the squalor where he lived along with his mother and brother, and how his various experiences exposed him to the solutions coincidentally being asked on the hot seat. The plot gradually unfolded itself into a story of love and betrayal, which included his brother and Latika, the young girl he loved and lost at various stages of his life.

Your background does not mean your back must be on the ground

Anyone pricing Jamil like the child traffickers did when they caught him, his brother and Latika, are sure to under price him. Anyone looking at another’s past and judging him is sure to look foolish unless the person accepts their verdict. You may not have control of your past; your place of birth, your parents, your siblings, the kind of education you received, but then, the future has no right to catch you by surprise. It was important to note the persistence of Jamil and his brother. They made do with what they had, lived on what they could glean, and took every opportunity available for them to change their fortunes.

Though the road was tough, their condition never became the verdict.

Love may not be well dressed

Who could have thought they were going to be together after years of incidences that threw them apart. Even from when they were about four and in the midst of abject poverty and an uncertain future, they never hid their friendly love. Most of us have checklists for whom we want and how we want them to look, so if the packaging of the person is not right we won’t go for it. The best opportunities in life might come in work clothes. They may not look too nice today. The job might be frustrating, but be patient.

The pains of today might be pregnant with tomorrow’s joy.

God is the scriptwriter, we are the actors

As if he was being deliberately prepared for the moment, all things were working for him. It was almost unbelievable how his life experiences prepared him for the questions that were being asked on the show. Just like that, our lives are weaved around our personal experiences and challenges such that, how we responded to those challenges may be our saving grace tomorrow. I’ve seen great achievers tell their stories and they seem like they were in a movie. Some truth, God is the scriptwriter; we are the actors.

I remember the sign-off of the Nigerian movie super story, Super Story- we are but pencils in the hand of the creator.

Whatever you are doing today, pay day comes.

It is wrong to write anyone off, it’s wrong to maltreat others because there’s always a pay day. The people who love writing people off are cheaply escorted out of the game of life. What happens if the boy you maltreated yesterday is now in a position to determine your fate? Life cannot just be life without repercussions. Our life is divided into two faces, one consisting our sowing, the other is to receive the benefits or punishments for what we did in the first half.

In all the film was good, considering most Oscar winning awards can barely be classified as entertaining.

It is important to know and recognize the vital signs of a relationship’s potential. When I meet people and we talk about whether a relationship should continue or die, I quickly discover that relationship don’t break suddenly, the danger signal begins blinking long before a break up is imminent but the people were not watching out for them. Those times were actually opportunities to restructure and recognize those threats before they threaten your marriage or relationship.

I am not a fan of broken relationships and I will never be a fan of divorce. But then there are some courtships, dating or love relationships that will have too drastic an effect. The greatest tragedy of a broken relationship is not the loss of the intimate relationship, it’s a broken heart. When we break up, we leave behind parts of us thereby entering into another relationship defective. It is therefore important to know when to hang in or work on it, and when to move on, to understand when conflict is healthy and when it is destructive.

Caveat! It is crucial to know there are no absolutes, especially when dealing with human behaviour. These are some of the vital signs I thought about, you are free to add yours to it. There might be trouble;

1. If God tells you it is wrong. There are times when we enter into relationships even though we know we know it is wrong, even when our friends tell us we are making a mistake, especially when it seems the person it too good to be true- it probably is. Somehow, those things come back to hang us by the wrists.
2. If there is no one, no value, and no being to which you both submit to. There might be fire on the mountain. It is essentially proven that for any relationship to succeed, the two individuals should not be the center of attention of the relationship, something else, you both value and that will not get tired- God, vision, value could be in the center.
3. If you aren’t thinking of the future together. Have you ever thought about the future without imagining him/her there? You you plan your lives independelndependently of each other? Does he/she ever tell you about her /his plan without thinking of you? It’s probably because you are not in the picture yet.
4. If you are relating from the position of need. If you need the relationship to survive. If you need to be in the relationship. Is is a dangerous thing if you enter a relationship because the lady/man is filling a particular emptyness in your life.it is really not a good sign if your happiness depends on another person. It makes your happiness dependent of the actions and inactions of another person. Also goes to the paerson who enters a relationship because he feels he needs to fix the other persons life. Remember, a relationship or marriage is not a tool for evangelism, neither is it a tool to change the other person. When the contract between the fixer and the fixed is finished or cannot work out, they will look for another challenge.
5. If there’s no Chemistry: chemistry or passion is what makes a friendship (commitment, intimacy) graduate into a love relationship. No relationship will last long if the love and passion in the relationship is one-sided. The giver one day will be tired of putting so much into the relationship without receiving love. Every strong relationship is built on mutual strength, companion friendships and support. There is also
6. If you lose nothing if you end the relationship, it’s probably not worth much to you. Your partner should serve as an important source of encouragement, strength and support. At every slight disagreement, if you think of leaving and can readily think of getting another guy/girl, you may probably do that soon. It is an indication that no value is being added in the relationship.
7. If you have not learnt to fight successfully. Fighting successfully means the ability to fight and take corrections, the ability to disagree and not allow that to destroy the fabric of your relationship. Most couples in the heat of argument say things they never meant and that signals the end of a wonderful relationship. Times and moments of anger brings out the hidden person within, and if the two people have not mastered the art of coping with that person, an end might be imminent too.
8. If you are not open to change and growth. Relationships bring about new challenges and there may be need to constantly become accustomed to attitudes, mindsets, thought patterns and people we never thought we could never thought we could never cope with. More importantly, we will need to change and grow, but if we are comfortable and rigid about our mindsets, perceptions and attitudes, you may soon have to create a relationship with them! Long lasting relationships are built on the ability to complement and adapt to each other and the situations as they come around.
9. If the person exhibits a behaviour that makes the relationship difficult to stay. There are behaviours and attitudes such as fits of rage, stubbornness, smoking,one partners’ undue submission to external influence. Or if your partner sees himself incapable of changing.

It’s Saturday evening and today was full of weddings (I guess I’m not alone on that), I attended two weddings. Lots of couples have their wedding today, in a bid to be romantic.  My commitment to them made me spend a large part of today shuttling Lagos’ busy streets. In the midst of all that, I couldn’t get to see Martha, the one lady who has made all that I’ve learnt and known about relationships a glorious reality. Over the years, our relationship had been pure bliss. . . . .

I must warn, I’m not a fan of Valentine’s day. I believe more unlovable acts occur more on this day than any other day in the year. In fact, I believe the people in need of love are more ignored this day than the rest. I also believe one day is not enough to express our love to the person we truly love. But then, It’s okay to take out a day to celebrate our partner, it is only smart to be sure it’s coming from a heart flowing with love and affection.

So today on vals’day, I bring a couple so wonderful. Knowing them for more than five years, I’ve been inspired and motivated by the element of teamwork and friendship wired into the marriage. Friendship is one factor that will sustain any relationship or marriage. I believe they are one example we can learn from in handling relationships and ultimately marriage.

Getting them interviewed was not easy I must confess. I even wanted both posted on the same day but schedules were tight, so I’ll get to, and interview Deolu later. But then, I present Tope Akinyemi, wife, friend, sister and business partner of Deolu Akinyemi. She is also one powerful blogger you cannot afford to ignore..www.topeakinyemi.com

excerpts:

Deola Kayode: are we ready?

Tope Akinyemi: lol

Tope Akinyemi: Yeah

Tope Akinyemi: Let’s hit the ground running…

Tope Akinyemi: I won’t like it too formal….lol

Tope Akinyemi: ok….

Deola Kayode: Ok then how does it feel and how is been married to an ever busy Deolu Akinyemi like?

Tope Akinyemi: That question does not have a straight forward answer….

Tope Akinyemi: but I’ll say, in the midst of being busy, he has his value based priorities, so it’s fine by me

Deola Kayode: really most of my questions won’t be straight forward, I must warn ahead, but then, just how is your typical day like?

Tope Akinyemi: I and Deolu work together, so we leave the house together in the mornings when he’s in town, and he’s mostly in town

Tope Akinyemi: I’m either at work or attending meetings and set appointments….

Deola Kayode: so you are accountable for the smooth running of the office?

Tope Akinyemi: majorly, yes

Deola Kayode: now I must ask at what point did pharmacy stop being the way 2 go? Because of him or you just followed your passion

Tope Akinyemi: No, it was not because of him. I had actually done tests with the KPMGs and co, but didn’t pass, so I had known shortly after leaving school that pharmacy wasn’t the way anymore

Deola Kayode: you know it just seamlessly flowed that the two of your found each other working together.

Tope Akinyemi: I had worked in different areas of pharmacy which weren’t “just it” so I knew it was a no, no

Tope Akinyemi: Is that a question?

Deola Kayode: do you think it’s easier when couples pursue the same career, as against when they are in different industries 2geda? How has it helped you/

Tope Akinyemi: cos you seem so sure of that statement…lol

Deola Kayode: I was well trained…

Deola Kayode: so?

Yahoo Messenger had issues so we moved over to Skype

[13/02/2009 21:01:08] Deola Kayode says: calling calling

[13/02/2009 22:35:27] Temitope Akinyemi says: you there?

[13/02/2009 22:35:51] Deola Kayode says: the yahoo just started working

[13/02/2009 22:36:11] Deola Kayode says: but then I think I’ll work with this

[13/02/2009 22:36:15] Temitope Akinyemi says: Let’s just stick to this…

[13/02/2009 22:36:20] Temitope Akinyemi says: yep

[13/02/2009 22:36:26] Temitope Akinyemi says: I was saying….

[13/02/2009 22:37:39] Temitope Akinyemi says: Definitely, some things are easier because we work together. We see each other almost all day. That in itself can be either an advantage or otherwise depending on how it’s handled. So, the bottom-line is that working together has helped us to bring out the best in each other for the good of the business, we’re business partners.

[13/02/2009 22:38:04] Deola Kayode says: beautiful…

[13/02/2009 22:38:17] Temitope Akinyemi says: He has some strengths and I have some too….so we quickly identified them and assigned roles

[13/02/2009 22:38:37] Temitope Akinyemi says: and we’ve been working with that model

[13/02/2009 22:39:12] Deola Kayode says: ok so without actually understanding how the person works, thinks and acts.. it’s a dangerous model

[13/02/2009 22:40:00] Temitope Akinyemi says: sure, it’s going to be dangerous

[13/02/2009 22:40:18] Temitope Akinyemi says: even with employees, we use the same model

[13/02/2009 22:40:44] Deola Kayode says: understanding each other must have taken a while. When did u first set eyes on each other (it’s getting interesting?)

[13/02/2009 22:40:57] Temitope Akinyemi says: Everyone has the opportunity to choose where they think their strengths and or interests lie…

[13/02/2009 22:41:11] Deola Kayode says: k

[13/02/2009 22:42:01] Temitope Akinyemi says: Well, he was the first to notice me, we were in JSS 2

[13/02/2009 22:42:11] Temitope Akinyemi says: FGCIlorin

[13/02/2009 22:42:31] Temitope Akinyemi says: I didn’t know him then, we were in different arms of the same class

[13/02/2009 22:43:13] Deola Kayode says: lol. JSS2… sustaining the friendship and love must have taken a lot. When did he actually request for your partnership in a relationship

[13/02/2009 22:44:13] Temitope Akinyemi says: partnership….lol

[13/02/2009 22:44:38] Temitope Akinyemi says: That was Part II going to III in the University.

[13/02/2009 22:44:48] Temitope Akinyemi says: I was in UI and him, in OAU

[13/02/2009 22:45:26] Deola Kayode says: ok that’s another record. a distanr relationship, But let me take them 1 by 1.

[13/02/2009 22:45:43] Deola Kayode says: being successful with a relationship means bringing out the best in that partner and ensuring that the partner is well prepared for future challenges . . .then getting to marry that partner;  you both succeeded @ all these…

[13/02/2009 22:47:29] Temitope Akinyemi says: hmmm…

[13/02/2009 22:48:31] Deola Kayode says: what must you have known, learnt or attained to begin to tell yourself you are ready for a relationship, because, if just any Part II student jumps into a relationship..We might be looking at a ship-wreck.

[13/02/2009 22:49:09] Deola Kayode says: if not age, class and money what minimum criteria tells us we are ready 4 a relationship?

[13/02/2009 22:49:13] Temitope Akinyemi says: Attained, NO

[13/02/2009 22:49:39] Temitope Akinyemi says: Learnt/Known, yes

[13/02/2009 22:49:42] Deola Kayode says: teach me…

[13/02/2009 22:50:38] Temitope Akinyemi says: The foundation we had was a healthy friendship and that was the basis of our relationship.

[13/02/2009 22:51:21] Temitope Akinyemi says: I didn’t have goose pimples or butterflies in my tummy whenever i saw him, but we were real with each other, very real….

[13/02/2009 22:51:51] Deola Kayode says: how long was the courtship

[13/02/2009 22:52:14] Temitope Akinyemi says: Over 5years

[13/02/2009 22:52:25] Deola Kayode says: wow

[13/02/2009 22:53:50] Temitope Akinyemi says: To the last question, the minimum criteria for a relationship is a whole person, who has value and can add value to a relationship

[13/02/2009 22:54:56] Temitope Akinyemi says: not a hurting/needy person who just wants affection

[13/02/2009 22:55:05] Deola Kayode says: value . . . it means means things, being fine, able to express themselves, bold

[13/02/2009 22:55:47] Temitope Akinyemi says: the most important part of a person is the core….what is within

[13/02/2009 22:56:16] Deola Kayode says: So then a relationship might not be a solution for a needy or someone in need of a lover

[13/02/2009 22:56:25] Temitope Akinyemi says: a person doesn’t have to be bold initially, that can be helped

[13/02/2009 22:56:33] Temitope Akinyemi says: Content is key

[13/02/2009 22:57:02] Temitope Akinyemi says: It’s definitely not the way to go for a needy person

[13/02/2009 22:57:09] Temitope Akinyemi says: or hurting

[13/02/2009 22:58:02] Temitope Akinyemi says: That’s why a lot of ladies get into trouble…looking for love

[13/02/2009 22:58:03] Deola Kayode says: So what can be done to the person likes the container first, and has not discovered the content, is a relationship a way to find out if they are compatible? This is a bait

[13/02/2009 22:59:50] Temitope Akinyemi says: You have to take time to know what the person’s made of. I don’t think you need to go so far to have a good idea of a person’s stance about a number of things….

[13/02/2009 23:00:28] Temitope Akinyemi says: Container ain’t bad, but when marriage happens, content is what you’ll be living with….it’s key

[13/02/2009 23:02:04] Deola Kayode says: k. so to the point. A relationship is with someone you intend to marry, and not finding out if you can marry?

[13/02/2009 23:04:10] Temitope Akinyemi says: If a relationship is for finding out if you can marry someone, then you will have to do that many times…….but yeah, a relationship should be with someone you intend to marry

[13/02/2009 23:06:20] Deola Kayode says: but most people actually do that. . .I mean getting into a relationship to see how it goes…. my next shot..

[13/02/2009 23:06:48] Deola Kayode says: how do you handle conflicts and disagreements issues et al.

[13/02/2009 23:10:29] Temitope Akinyemi says: By COMMUNICATING….that’s the only thing that works

[13/02/2009 23:11:13] Temitope Akinyemi says: we both say our perspectives and settle the difference

[13/02/2009 23:11:28] Deola Kayode says: there’s communicating and COMMUNICATING O! From which stand point does that take place…

[13/02/2009 23:11:39] Temitope Akinyemi says: yesssso

[13/02/2009 23:16:15] Deola Kayode says: because I think the problems come with the kind of communicating. Can I say communication to understand and not to prove a point.

[13/02/2009 23:17:01] Temitope Akinyemi says: Communication to first seek to understand. This involves majorly listening

[13/02/2009 23:17:15] Temitope Akinyemi says: before you seek to be understood

[13/02/2009 23:18:05] Temitope Akinyemi says: Proving a point never helps, even if you’re correct…

[13/02/2009 23:18:13] Temitope Akinyemi says: Listen, and then speak

[13/02/2009 23:18:37] Temitope Akinyemi says: I’m not forcy, but I’ve learnt that….

[13/02/2009 23:20:05] Deola Kayode says: let me come to your distant relationship. What gave you the peace of mind to leave this guy in Ife, and you in Ilorin, most relationships don’t not survive that

[13/02/2009 23:20:57] Temitope Akinyemi says: Point of correction, I was in University of Ibadan, premier Uni

[13/02/2009 23:21:48] Deola Kayode says: so sorry… UI vs. OAU

[13/02/2009 23:22:22] Temitope Akinyemi says: On a more serious note, I had as much peace about him as I had in myself; I never doubted for a second that he would misbehave…

[13/02/2009 23:22:49] Temitope Akinyemi says: We had a relationship with God that had defined our ways of life….

[13/02/2009 23:23:37] Temitope Akinyemi says: There’re certain things that have no RAM space in our minds, our convictions and values were intact

[13/02/2009 23:23:43] Deola Kayode says: ok, so your confidence in “the God he believes” reassured you

[13/02/2009 23:24:31] Deola Kayode says: that will drag you into handling sexual pressures, how did u manage that. . .5 yrs+

[13/02/2009 23:26:18] Temitope Akinyemi says: By restating what we knew we must not do

[13/02/2009 23:26:52] Temitope Akinyemi says: and giving ourselves reason to see that too much was at stake if we messed up

[13/02/2009 23:27:06] Deola Kayode says: before the relationship began . . . or when the signs were becoming obvious

[13/02/2009 23:27:12] Temitope Akinyemi says: It was enough to keep us focused…

[13/02/2009 23:28:16] Temitope Akinyemi says: Moreso, too many people were looking up to us, especially him, and you should never preach what you don’t practice, and too much was at stake

[13/02/2009 23:28:47] Temitope Akinyemi says: Before the relationship began, and during as well

[13/02/2009 23:32:20] Deola Kayode says: if there was one quality about him you’ll never want to see missing which would it be?

[13/02/2009 23:33:10] Temitope Akinyemi says: that’s a veeeery tough question o

[13/02/2009 23:34:32] Deola Kayode says: I take that as him being full of compliments

[13/02/2009 23:34:50] Temitope Akinyemi says: abi o

[13/02/2009 23:35:23] Temitope Akinyemi says: because if I mention one, I will feel like mentioning another

[13/02/2009 23:35:42] Deola Kayode says: k lemme give u five

[13/02/2009 23:36:18] Temitope Akinyemi says: that’s generous!

[13/02/2009 23:36:49] Temitope Akinyemi says: In no particular order….

[13/02/2009 23:38:05] Deola Kayode says: anyone would guess that

[13/02/2009 23:39:54] Temitope Akinyemi says: He’s a man of wisdom; he’s passionate, got great sense of humour

[13/02/2009 23:40:46] Deola Kayode says: ok…

[13/02/2009 23:41:39] Temitope Akinyemi says: and he’s got integrity and creative

[13/02/2009 23:42:41] Deola Kayode says: on two counts I want 2 messages on building relationships for

1. Those in relationships

2. Those in marriage . . . one more question and I’ll let you rest, you have a busy day tomrrow

[13/02/2009 23:45:29] Temitope Akinyemi says: For those in relationships, I’ll say, this period is the best opportunity to build a fantastic foundation of friendship, don’t waste it doing irrelevant things….talk and talk, ask questions, know each other as much as possible

[13/02/2009 23:47:21] Temitope Akinyemi says: Two, use this period to become friends with each other’s friends, colleagues, etc; move into each other’s world, become involved, it helps you even see what others think about your partner. This really helped me

[13/02/2009 23:50:09] Deola Kayode says: this is my valentine edition; in one final note sister, I want you to send him a message from here (he might as well be reading your “typings” anyway)

[13/02/2009 23:50:52] Temitope Akinyemi says: For those in marriage, don’t stop talking. On the day that happens, the marriage begins to dwindle. Also, a successful home is about a conscious decision to have it so, let every selfish decision be checked by the mutual vision of having a model home

[13/02/2009 23:51:17] Temitope Akinyemi says: Yessso, he’s peeping on and off, beside me here

[13/02/2009 23:53:40] Deola Kayode says: you just gave a powerful one on marriage there… thanks!

[13/02/2009 23:56:53] Deola Kayode says: u dere…

[13/02/2009 23:57:30] Temitope Akinyemi says: Adeolu Babawale Adigun Akinyemi, you’re too many things rolled in one. You’re God’s perfect gift to me and I’m ever grateful. Thank God I said “YES”. This season is not sufficient to express my love and affection towards you, my husband, lover, business partner and best friend. I celebrate you and will always love you. Your baby….

[13/02/2009 23:57:40] Temitope Akinyemi says: I could go on and on….lol

[13/02/2009 23:58:53] Deola Kayode says: should I be surprised?

[13/02/2009 23:59:03] Temitope Akinyemi says: Are we done?

[13/02/2009 23:59:33] Deola Kayode says: yes

[13/02/2009 23:59:53] Deola Kayode says: I must thank you for such a splendid moment, and have a pleasant val’s day.

[13/02/2009 23:59:57] Temitope Akinyemi says: it’s a pleasure

(this interview started some hours into val). The same foundations and principles that make relationships last and marriage blissful are core principles of friendship. Is he/she your best friend?, how do you relate? Do you spend more time appreciating her strengths, or complaining about his weaknesses.

Intimacy + commitment = friendship

Intimacy + commitment + passion= Love

Finally, do you have a vision of what your relationship should be? that is responsible for the way it is today. Commit youself to making your partner happy and you’ll be surprised at the results. Really what we give, sow, express, project and communicate ( by action and words) will ultimately come back to us as a reward – - Good or Bad.

A capsule of wisdom in a season of watering love.

Happy Valentines day. watch out for part II with Deolu Akinyemi

There are lots of factors that make women more complex than men. Most guys in relationships spend a lot of time racking their heads and trying to figure out what their mate is thinking. My attempt will require some definitions so that my points can land on the right soil. There are many kinds of women- young, old, fat, skinny, talkative, quiet, Muslim, even Christians have qualifications… funky and geeks. Each category wants different things, different men for their different personalities and reasons. It’s enough to drive a man crazy. Kai!

I therefore need to qualify the kind of woman.

I mean women not girls - let’s clear that. I clearly think as a lady matures, the TDH syndrome (crush, mushy butterfly feelings…) gradually moves down the rung of her priorities that is why I generally advise young ladies not to make hasty choices at this stage of their lives… or why make a choice that will last as long as you are not yet wise. Most of them who make choices at this stage of their get to discover various aspects of their partner they never knew existed. Some guys have even been heartbroken because once the lady gets matured, the relationship becomes a prison and there has to be a jailbreak! But she said she loved me, what does she want anyway? One distinguishing feature is discernment- the ability to make good judgement devoid of emotions and sentiments. I love the bible verse that says, ‘’like a ring in a pigs snout, so is a maiden without discernment’, the MSG translation says “like a ring in a pig’s snout, so is a beautiful lady with an empty head.”

It is however better to focus on what real women want: the women who make guys feel good, and are able to motivate them to be  better men.

1. Men who are bold and decisive about their interests and beliefs.

There is something electric about a guy who is bold about his convictions. Some people women fall for people like this and say they love power, naa, they love passion. Inevitably, people who are passionate about what they do and believe in will succeed anyway. Secretly, women want their men to take the lead, take rational decisions and lock himself on his vision like a guided missile.

2. Women want a guy every lady wants.

Now I’m getting into troubled waters. This is known for a fact there is something attractive about a guy who has gathered immense value and most women will love to have him as a partner. Most men will agree that once they have a lady in a relationship, other women suddenly get interested in them. This has been responsible for lily-livered men hopping from one person to another in the hope of finding one better than the other. The truth is that there is a “must have” quality about a guy that makes a woman want him. To be wantable? Just be a guy that women love to spend their time with.

3. Man who makes her second on her commitment list

This is again contestable, but then though every woman wants to be appreciated, loved and dotted over, she will never appreciate a man obsessed with her. A guy who ever tells a lady she is the number one on his life list dangerously communicates a message to the lady; it is a risky venture to trust you- you are either too weak or just a freaking liar. Your obsession or insecurity drives women away faster.

A lady loves you more if she sees you value your faith, principles and integrity above her. It probably secures her trust and commitment. Every man should commit himself to something greater than fulfilling the needs of one person. There is an innate desire for any couple to commit themselves to something higher- a higher calling, value, ideals and God.

4. A man who is not threatened.

Believe me, not all women want every guy they meet to be worth millions of cash, look like Denzel Washington, built like Sylvester Stallone and talks like Beckham. They don’t expect you to be threatened by the achievements of the woman. They want a relationship where they will be allowed space to dream and be supported by their man. They want to know that their man supports them. There is no pride for a lady who has amassed a lot of fame and wealth, but then the husband is dying daily under the weight of her status. It’s hurting for a lady whose dream is being limited because the guy refuses to fly.

Women want a guy who will be their coach in life and not a competitor. But they DO want you to be headed towards success. They DO want you to have direction and pursuing it, not one looking back to see if the woman is catching up. Not feeling threatened because the he did not get a job. Hey they really do not want a guy mopping but as long as you’re heading towards your goals in life, you’re bound to attract women. And more importantly, reach your own personal success.

5. A feeling of security.

Women want to feel safe with a man. They want to know that everything’s gonna be all right. This doesn’t mean you have to be strong and bossy, or have millions of cash. It just means you have to talk reassuringly to her, look after her safety, and assure her when she needs it that things are going to be OK.

It also means offering protection, when she needs it. If she’s being threatened, defend her territory.

6. Express love actively.

Women love men who appreciate and express their love actively. They want to see, and not only see, they also want to hear your confession of love. A man is an active giver of love, not a passive receiver. Nowhere in the entire Bible did the Bible say that the woman should love the man, it says she should respect her- it is the duty of the man to love.

Not just in Gifts, but your all; time, energy, words, service and in any way possible to demonstrate the profession of love. Women want a man who is intelligent yet sensitive and kind to their emotional needs. It is an important characteristic that imply the man will share his resources and continue reliably protecting and caring for the family in all future unforeseen circumstances.

7. Women want men who admit they are human and can make mistakes.

Women desperately want a man to prove himself woman. The era of a man being the textbook superman is over and the ability to be true to their feelings and expressing their admission of guilt is an attractive magnet. He doesn’t run and hide from the tests of fear. He turns toward them and engages them boldly. If he fails at anything he seeks support and affirmation from the wife. His lady becomes his succour, the one proof that he can succeed if he ever tries again. To prove being a 21^st century Superman is to deny a woman of her role in being supportive of the man.

I think I’ll stop here, I have a meeting in Shagamu tomorrow…

N.B.:- am getting my numbers mixed up… all corrected!

The tagging finally got to me! I had  seen in while a couple of my friends were hustling to write and I was wondering if I could ever write anything about myself up to 25 points.

Finally, I was tagged on my facebook page and I decided tompaste it right here.

1. If I ever make it to 25, I’ll list it as one of my greatest accomplishments of today!

2. One of the things you might readily notice when you meet me, Is that I smile a lot. In spite of anything, I never stop laughing.

2. My most painful day was the day a lecturer, in a bid to prove I was cheating, picked a newspaper clipping and said I was copying from It. of course, his wisdom made me laugh!

2. One of the few things I hate doing Is talking about myself.

3. I spend more time solving other people’s problem than mine, what an irony!

4. I spend more than a whole day thinking of what to blog about and less than an hour writing it.

5. I once broke a guy’s arm while trying to show him how to use aikido skills to breaking bones!

6. When asked what side I love to sleep on- I didn’t know, I rarely sleep, I usually doze off! Even the last time I slept on my bed and in a nice way was December 6th last year. (It a new year decision to sleep on my bed)

7. Though I don’t talk much, the longest I have spent gisting with a friend was 9 hours! – and no, not my fiancée.

8. About my best food, there has always been a tie among Bread, garri and beans. So most times I take them together! I really don’t know which but in an order; beans, bread and garrI.

9. Cowbell chocolate, garrI and groundnut should give me an award. I used to take them together every day for more than ten years!

10. My most fearful day was when I stood In the midst of OAU Student Union guys and threatened to turn the whole school on them. It was 3am, we were two, and they were 14- looking dangerous and armed!- I did!

11. The most Important topics I love discussing are politics and relationships.

12. I did a lot of home work before asking Martha out. I needed to be sure before asking, I wouldn’t survive a no!

13. I once had a relationship that lasted nine months (like 5 years ago). We had the rare privilege of organizing a break-up dinner!
14. The quotation “just few” was my mantra for many years- It still is.
F- There are five things you need to watch out for in life (see me In camera)
E- Men are looking for examples to follow, God Is looking for an example to show men. I intend to be the one on both sides.
W- The woman Is God’s secret weapon of changing the world

14. You’re right; marriage is one of the most important things I think of

15. I graduated from OAU after passing through 3 departments. Well, maybe it was not really necessary, but I did.

16. Because I have four siblings, we call ourselves THE FAMOUS FIVE (remember that book?)

17. When I was in medical school most people believed I would not practice medicine- except me!

18. In one single year 2004, I failed at so many things so much so I thought it must be a movie!

19. Some people say you must seek for a wife, but then the Bible says a prudent wife is from the Lord. I didn’t look for Martha, I discovered her. Martha was God’s gift in my life, and it came at a critical time. Don’t be surprised- my love for her keeps growing.

20.  I went to two secondary schools. In one there was no Christian fellowship, so we formed one.
When I got to the second one, there was a fellowship- but I always seemed to be absconding.
21. My laptop’s name is”Agbeke”

22. I never succeeded at being a good footballer. My team always wanted me to be the last man, and the opposing teams always never want me to be an opponent.

23. The first time I spoke to a very large crowd of people (over 500).  Seeing the large crowd, my first words were, o o  o  o God- I was speaking into the microphone.
24. One of the things I ‘m always grateful to God for is that I’ve never lacked people who believed in me. I’ve never lacked people who told me they were sure I was coming out shinning…I’m so surprised how I’m turning out.

25. I couldn’t stop at 24, so am glad I made it!

See ya!

A lot of the reasons are partly because of erroneous beliefs about men; Men just want to have fun and “freedom” with no responsibility; Men like the chase; If you’re too “easy” or approachable, they’ll get bored or lose interest; Men are dominant in relationships and women therefore are unable to express themselves, but then if you follow a few simple effective guidelines, they’ll be much more likely to get exactly what they want from men: a fulfilling, healthy, happy relationship. These misconceptions and beliefs about men women and men clung to are actually causing women to hurt in relationships.

This has caused more women to say that men confuse them and that they are unsure what a man is really looking for. They have tried to please them in the past and it hasn’t worked so no; the man can concentrate on pleasing them or leave. If the today’s society woman is to be believed, they don’t care what a man is looking for anymore because they have been empowered by their own sexuality and are comfortable in their new role as sexually liberated career woman in charge of their own destiny. In which case, as long as the man wants them, that is fine.

But then, deep within every woman, is the need to be loved and taken care of by a man, but then that depends on his needs being met.

I must warn you that my list is not what women want men to want, which, predictably, is a considerably different list. But if the idea is to understand men so that you might get along better, right? Well, this guide works, trust me – it is proven and tested

Men want a woman who will commit to them. Though increasingly this is hard to find, it doesn’t take away the craving in the need of their hearts. For a man Love id defined by respect, while for a woman, it’s selflessness. The man must be incredibly strong to resist a woman they find out can share their life with, someone they can trust and be open with. I know a lot of women want the opposite way round, but then, no man will commit to any woman, if he knows you do not respect him.

Men want you to support them in their work and help boost their confidence- he wants you to be his number one fan. Women who understand men do not put them down even when failing. Women who understand this ask even dump their careers to support the dreams of their man- ok, that’s very rare, but sound. I have discovered those who have had wonderful marriages have come into aligning their visions with one another to support each others’ goals. Common, just be a “you can do it, baby!” lady, and in return, women will find their man equally supportive because she understands him and does things to let him know she’s a believer. Call it enlightened self interest.

Men are seeking women who are feminine, gentle and kind because deep down the qualities that make a woman a great mother is an attraction in themselves. I do not suggest that the man himself needs mothering, though some do; it is more the point that men seek the attributes in women that point to someone who would make a great mother to future their offspring, not someone who’d rather rate her career above the destiny of the kids. The guy will just generally beat a retreat!

Men want a fun and exciting companion. There are things that a man will discuss with a woman if the level of communication and trust has been established. Sharing activities can also be a healthy way to build relationships. Exciting to some men may different things. So, what I recommend is know what you enjoy and find men who enjoy those activities. If women spend more time with men sharing some activities each week they are likely to get along better with the men in their lives. Men want to have a good time and relax when not working and so their ideal partners are women who are not supposed to have PhDs in nagging.(By the way PhD is pull- him-down)

Men love women who are masters of emotion. For example, men hardly ever like women who shout. They want a woman who can debate and converse and are both able to discuss issues with a view to evolving”our one view”. Communication is king. A fiery passionate temperament may have made you interesting and challenging to your man, but then women chase men away by competing with them; making them they dart of your emotions and expecting them to be the solution to all your emotional hurts, even the one your parents and the other guy caused.

Though men love challenging women, someone who keeps them on their toes. Men are generally lazy in relationships once they feel they’re  secure. When a man is challenged so he does something about it. If you want to keep your man interested, keep him challenged and in suspense (!- this is far from the ideals of delaying to tell him you love him)

Whichever way, what you give comes back to you. Instead of complaining when he withdraws, complains or makes an observation, have you wondered if it was because of the way you’ve been relating with him? When we give love, kindness, and respect, we will experience the law of abundance in action.

Men need you to give them private time to be left alone, to spend on hobbies and sports, and to spend time with other men. Some men need a few minutes to unwind when they walk in the door before sharing the day’s challenges. Some women need this space too, but. Do what works best for your relationship. I find that a sincere and compassionately deep hug upon greeting is nice, followed by a thirty-second kiss sometime in the next few minutes, helps re-establish that “connected” feeling.

Above all, nothing works more than understanding your man and loving him uniquely, and making him crazy about what he craves.

Watch out for what women want

Truly, it’s been long I had such a communication that touched me deeply. I have a passion for helping people navigate the critical bends of their lives especially by sitting down to talk it through. Most people who knew me in Great Ife, where I had my tertiary education knew I was always happy to share quality time with people; listening, sharing and helping them through critical moments… spending 9 hours talking with some is incredible, especially for a “quiet’ person like me, but I did-once. But I always felt it was in those kinds of little chats and interactions that decisions are reinforced in people and not in massive programmes and meetings.

There was this story of a Lion and it’s cub that moved into another forest and were planning to take over. After moving stealthily around the forest, the Lion sat down to rest with its young cub.

“Dad, how we will take over the forest, since we’ve already discovered five strong bears living here?” the young cub asked.

“Not to worry, there is one method my father taught me, and it has always worked”.

True to the daddy lion’s words, they succeeded in using the same method to kill every one of the five bears living in the forest.

“You used the same method, to defeat every one of them, how were you so sure it was going to work?”. The young cub asked again.

That was what I asked my dad and he told me the simple truth; the bears never commune with one another.

So has been the case with us. You wonder how funny it is for the devil to plague three different people in the same house, church or workplace with the same challenges and he succeeds to tear them apart. You do not need to wonder why- we do not fellowship. We may chat, gist, talk about weak issues with passion, but we leave the major issues that need tending in our lives, because we think we can battle them on our own. Maybe we can, but then many would have been lost.

I remember the cliché words of the lord of the rings;

All will be sacrificed… All will be lost… Unless all unite against evil.

Fate has chosen him. A fellowship will protect him. Evil will hunt them.

Truly most of us have this deep inward feeling we are called to play a key role in the game of life. We struggle and battle challenges, face odds, silently pained, secret challenges without understanding that on the strength of others, we arrive faster. Life is a puzzle where others might be holding the keys to our question mark. Destiny may have chosen Frodo, but then he needed a fellowship to protect him; we all need a fellowship of our own.

This is not a group fellowship, it is not about a church that think all is well you because you fulfil your religious obligations.

In an age that emphasises individual achievement and personal opinions and boundaries, we are in desperate need of true friendships; a fellowship of the heart, a fellowship of strength. Take those ships deeper, your relation-ship, your friend-ships, your marriage; relating with your son or daughter. Take them deeper than the superficial nothingness that makes it seem like things are going well, on the surface. Ladies, Mums and Dads are usually guilty of these; they talk about everything safe things that affect them personally. Guys can spend hours arguing over their teams, but not offer their experiences which may shorten the travails of their arguing companion.

Of course you do not need everyone. There are too many bad people. If you do not choose your friends, you will lose, but find him/her or even them, they are gifts from god in your life. People who you can be a force multiplier in your life. People who will help you arrive at the end faster and easier than you would have done struggling. I’ve had my moments and friends were there for me. Before the day of adversity comes; You need a fellowship of your own.

”We and the world, my children, will always be at war.

Retreat is impossible

Arm yourselves” – Leif Enger