1000 sacked! 200 employees retrenched, 60% of employees moved into marketing, employees now receive targets for salaries. All these are news that is familiar with the economic times we are in. Round and robust employees now save unenthusiastically waiting for the sledge hammer to come their way one day. People in employment are now looking for ways to cheat their bosses before they pull a fast one on them. Survival of the fittest is the mantra, as employees look for ways to push themselves ahead of their friends and colleagues. But then there are still people still being disturbed for employment, there are people who rather than submit CVs, companies look for their CVs and call them to resume when they prefer. I call them the untouchables; and we know them; we see them around, some of us do not like them because of their “excessive energies”, some because the boss just likes them because of the amount they rake in for the company. If there is an award like that in your office, they’d always make “employee of the month“.

Though it has been released for a while, I thought about watching the movie again. I couldn’t stop laughing, but then I didn’t miss the lessons of the movie.

It is an undeniable fact that no company will fire its valuable asset, which includes the best employees. In times like this, when CEOs, MDs and entrepreneurs and seeking to minimise costs and rake in more money, every employee that does not produce is listed under “expenses”. You need to be at the top of your game, you need to enlist among the untouchables. You are not doing your boss a favour, you are actually empowering yourself (Actually, empower in this case, means making yourself powerful). You are building capacity, increasing in value, and are consistently being listed as underpaid by your company- it’s a compliment.  to qualify for  a promotion you must demonstrate the abilities of a higher grade. What will make you the toast of your boss? I advice you to;

1. Help the company earn more.

2. Help the company save more. You cost them more when you destroy company property.

3. Help the company grow their market share.

4. Learn quickly. An organization does not reward you for what they taught you.bring thoughts, connections, personality and experience you have into the business.

5. Execute instructions without mistakes.

6. Solve problems.

7. Package products/ programmes/solutions.

8. Use initiative. Knowing what is expected, and doing it without being told. A company will not value what they told or trained you for.

9. Be a team player.

10. Be an inspiration to others. Gather a large fan base- especially the customers.

11. Make yourself indispensible. Your absence will be thouroughly missed when you add value with your presence.

12. Once you make yourself indispensible, empower others. If you do not train others to replace you, you remain the best in the same position.

Add your thoughts!

It’s Saturday evening and today was full of weddings (I guess I’m not alone on that), I attended two weddings. Lots of couples have their wedding today, in a bid to be romantic.  My commitment to them made me spend a large part of today shuttling Lagos’ busy streets. In the midst of all that, I couldn’t get to see Martha, the one lady who has made all that I’ve learnt and known about relationships a glorious reality. Over the years, our relationship had been pure bliss. . . . .

I must warn, I’m not a fan of Valentine’s day. I believe more unlovable acts occur more on this day than any other day in the year. In fact, I believe the people in need of love are more ignored this day than the rest. I also believe one day is not enough to express our love to the person we truly love. But then, It’s okay to take out a day to celebrate our partner, it is only smart to be sure it’s coming from a heart flowing with love and affection.

So today on vals’day, I bring a couple so wonderful. Knowing them for more than five years, I’ve been inspired and motivated by the element of teamwork and friendship wired into the marriage. Friendship is one factor that will sustain any relationship or marriage. I believe they are one example we can learn from in handling relationships and ultimately marriage.

Getting them interviewed was not easy I must confess. I even wanted both posted on the same day but schedules were tight, so I’ll get to, and interview Deolu later. But then, I present Tope Akinyemi, wife, friend, sister and business partner of Deolu Akinyemi. She is also one powerful blogger you cannot afford to ignore..www.topeakinyemi.com

excerpts:

Deola Kayode: are we ready?

Tope Akinyemi: lol

Tope Akinyemi: Yeah

Tope Akinyemi: Let’s hit the ground running…

Tope Akinyemi: I won’t like it too formal….lol

Tope Akinyemi: ok….

Deola Kayode: Ok then how does it feel and how is been married to an ever busy Deolu Akinyemi like?

Tope Akinyemi: That question does not have a straight forward answer….

Tope Akinyemi: but I’ll say, in the midst of being busy, he has his value based priorities, so it’s fine by me

Deola Kayode: really most of my questions won’t be straight forward, I must warn ahead, but then, just how is your typical day like?

Tope Akinyemi: I and Deolu work together, so we leave the house together in the mornings when he’s in town, and he’s mostly in town

Tope Akinyemi: I’m either at work or attending meetings and set appointments….

Deola Kayode: so you are accountable for the smooth running of the office?

Tope Akinyemi: majorly, yes

Deola Kayode: now I must ask at what point did pharmacy stop being the way 2 go? Because of him or you just followed your passion

Tope Akinyemi: No, it was not because of him. I had actually done tests with the KPMGs and co, but didn’t pass, so I had known shortly after leaving school that pharmacy wasn’t the way anymore

Deola Kayode: you know it just seamlessly flowed that the two of your found each other working together.

Tope Akinyemi: I had worked in different areas of pharmacy which weren’t “just it” so I knew it was a no, no

Tope Akinyemi: Is that a question?

Deola Kayode: do you think it’s easier when couples pursue the same career, as against when they are in different industries 2geda? How has it helped you/

Tope Akinyemi: cos you seem so sure of that statement…lol

Deola Kayode: I was well trained…

Deola Kayode: so?

Yahoo Messenger had issues so we moved over to Skype

[13/02/2009 21:01:08] Deola Kayode says: calling calling

[13/02/2009 22:35:27] Temitope Akinyemi says: you there?

[13/02/2009 22:35:51] Deola Kayode says: the yahoo just started working

[13/02/2009 22:36:11] Deola Kayode says: but then I think I’ll work with this

[13/02/2009 22:36:15] Temitope Akinyemi says: Let’s just stick to this…

[13/02/2009 22:36:20] Temitope Akinyemi says: yep

[13/02/2009 22:36:26] Temitope Akinyemi says: I was saying….

[13/02/2009 22:37:39] Temitope Akinyemi says: Definitely, some things are easier because we work together. We see each other almost all day. That in itself can be either an advantage or otherwise depending on how it’s handled. So, the bottom-line is that working together has helped us to bring out the best in each other for the good of the business, we’re business partners.

[13/02/2009 22:38:04] Deola Kayode says: beautiful…

[13/02/2009 22:38:17] Temitope Akinyemi says: He has some strengths and I have some too….so we quickly identified them and assigned roles

[13/02/2009 22:38:37] Temitope Akinyemi says: and we’ve been working with that model

[13/02/2009 22:39:12] Deola Kayode says: ok so without actually understanding how the person works, thinks and acts.. it’s a dangerous model

[13/02/2009 22:40:00] Temitope Akinyemi says: sure, it’s going to be dangerous

[13/02/2009 22:40:18] Temitope Akinyemi says: even with employees, we use the same model

[13/02/2009 22:40:44] Deola Kayode says: understanding each other must have taken a while. When did u first set eyes on each other (it’s getting interesting?)

[13/02/2009 22:40:57] Temitope Akinyemi says: Everyone has the opportunity to choose where they think their strengths and or interests lie…

[13/02/2009 22:41:11] Deola Kayode says: k

[13/02/2009 22:42:01] Temitope Akinyemi says: Well, he was the first to notice me, we were in JSS 2

[13/02/2009 22:42:11] Temitope Akinyemi says: FGCIlorin

[13/02/2009 22:42:31] Temitope Akinyemi says: I didn’t know him then, we were in different arms of the same class

[13/02/2009 22:43:13] Deola Kayode says: lol. JSS2… sustaining the friendship and love must have taken a lot. When did he actually request for your partnership in a relationship

[13/02/2009 22:44:13] Temitope Akinyemi says: partnership….lol

[13/02/2009 22:44:38] Temitope Akinyemi says: That was Part II going to III in the University.

[13/02/2009 22:44:48] Temitope Akinyemi says: I was in UI and him, in OAU

[13/02/2009 22:45:26] Deola Kayode says: ok that’s another record. a distanr relationship, But let me take them 1 by 1.

[13/02/2009 22:45:43] Deola Kayode says: being successful with a relationship means bringing out the best in that partner and ensuring that the partner is well prepared for future challenges . . .then getting to marry that partner;  you both succeeded @ all these…

[13/02/2009 22:47:29] Temitope Akinyemi says: hmmm…

[13/02/2009 22:48:31] Deola Kayode says: what must you have known, learnt or attained to begin to tell yourself you are ready for a relationship, because, if just any Part II student jumps into a relationship..We might be looking at a ship-wreck.

[13/02/2009 22:49:09] Deola Kayode says: if not age, class and money what minimum criteria tells us we are ready 4 a relationship?

[13/02/2009 22:49:13] Temitope Akinyemi says: Attained, NO

[13/02/2009 22:49:39] Temitope Akinyemi says: Learnt/Known, yes

[13/02/2009 22:49:42] Deola Kayode says: teach me…

[13/02/2009 22:50:38] Temitope Akinyemi says: The foundation we had was a healthy friendship and that was the basis of our relationship.

[13/02/2009 22:51:21] Temitope Akinyemi says: I didn’t have goose pimples or butterflies in my tummy whenever i saw him, but we were real with each other, very real….

[13/02/2009 22:51:51] Deola Kayode says: how long was the courtship

[13/02/2009 22:52:14] Temitope Akinyemi says: Over 5years

[13/02/2009 22:52:25] Deola Kayode says: wow

[13/02/2009 22:53:50] Temitope Akinyemi says: To the last question, the minimum criteria for a relationship is a whole person, who has value and can add value to a relationship

[13/02/2009 22:54:56] Temitope Akinyemi says: not a hurting/needy person who just wants affection

[13/02/2009 22:55:05] Deola Kayode says: value . . . it means means things, being fine, able to express themselves, bold

[13/02/2009 22:55:47] Temitope Akinyemi says: the most important part of a person is the core….what is within

[13/02/2009 22:56:16] Deola Kayode says: So then a relationship might not be a solution for a needy or someone in need of a lover

[13/02/2009 22:56:25] Temitope Akinyemi says: a person doesn’t have to be bold initially, that can be helped

[13/02/2009 22:56:33] Temitope Akinyemi says: Content is key

[13/02/2009 22:57:02] Temitope Akinyemi says: It’s definitely not the way to go for a needy person

[13/02/2009 22:57:09] Temitope Akinyemi says: or hurting

[13/02/2009 22:58:02] Temitope Akinyemi says: That’s why a lot of ladies get into trouble…looking for love

[13/02/2009 22:58:03] Deola Kayode says: So what can be done to the person likes the container first, and has not discovered the content, is a relationship a way to find out if they are compatible? This is a bait

[13/02/2009 22:59:50] Temitope Akinyemi says: You have to take time to know what the person’s made of. I don’t think you need to go so far to have a good idea of a person’s stance about a number of things….

[13/02/2009 23:00:28] Temitope Akinyemi says: Container ain’t bad, but when marriage happens, content is what you’ll be living with….it’s key

[13/02/2009 23:02:04] Deola Kayode says: k. so to the point. A relationship is with someone you intend to marry, and not finding out if you can marry?

[13/02/2009 23:04:10] Temitope Akinyemi says: If a relationship is for finding out if you can marry someone, then you will have to do that many times…….but yeah, a relationship should be with someone you intend to marry

[13/02/2009 23:06:20] Deola Kayode says: but most people actually do that. . .I mean getting into a relationship to see how it goes…. my next shot..

[13/02/2009 23:06:48] Deola Kayode says: how do you handle conflicts and disagreements issues et al.

[13/02/2009 23:10:29] Temitope Akinyemi says: By COMMUNICATING….that’s the only thing that works

[13/02/2009 23:11:13] Temitope Akinyemi says: we both say our perspectives and settle the difference

[13/02/2009 23:11:28] Deola Kayode says: there’s communicating and COMMUNICATING O! From which stand point does that take place…

[13/02/2009 23:11:39] Temitope Akinyemi says: yesssso

[13/02/2009 23:16:15] Deola Kayode says: because I think the problems come with the kind of communicating. Can I say communication to understand and not to prove a point.

[13/02/2009 23:17:01] Temitope Akinyemi says: Communication to first seek to understand. This involves majorly listening

[13/02/2009 23:17:15] Temitope Akinyemi says: before you seek to be understood

[13/02/2009 23:18:05] Temitope Akinyemi says: Proving a point never helps, even if you’re correct…

[13/02/2009 23:18:13] Temitope Akinyemi says: Listen, and then speak

[13/02/2009 23:18:37] Temitope Akinyemi says: I’m not forcy, but I’ve learnt that….

[13/02/2009 23:20:05] Deola Kayode says: let me come to your distant relationship. What gave you the peace of mind to leave this guy in Ife, and you in Ilorin, most relationships don’t not survive that

[13/02/2009 23:20:57] Temitope Akinyemi says: Point of correction, I was in University of Ibadan, premier Uni

[13/02/2009 23:21:48] Deola Kayode says: so sorry… UI vs. OAU

[13/02/2009 23:22:22] Temitope Akinyemi says: On a more serious note, I had as much peace about him as I had in myself; I never doubted for a second that he would misbehave…

[13/02/2009 23:22:49] Temitope Akinyemi says: We had a relationship with God that had defined our ways of life….

[13/02/2009 23:23:37] Temitope Akinyemi says: There’re certain things that have no RAM space in our minds, our convictions and values were intact

[13/02/2009 23:23:43] Deola Kayode says: ok, so your confidence in “the God he believes” reassured you

[13/02/2009 23:24:31] Deola Kayode says: that will drag you into handling sexual pressures, how did u manage that. . .5 yrs+

[13/02/2009 23:26:18] Temitope Akinyemi says: By restating what we knew we must not do

[13/02/2009 23:26:52] Temitope Akinyemi says: and giving ourselves reason to see that too much was at stake if we messed up

[13/02/2009 23:27:06] Deola Kayode says: before the relationship began . . . or when the signs were becoming obvious

[13/02/2009 23:27:12] Temitope Akinyemi says: It was enough to keep us focused…

[13/02/2009 23:28:16] Temitope Akinyemi says: Moreso, too many people were looking up to us, especially him, and you should never preach what you don’t practice, and too much was at stake

[13/02/2009 23:28:47] Temitope Akinyemi says: Before the relationship began, and during as well

[13/02/2009 23:32:20] Deola Kayode says: if there was one quality about him you’ll never want to see missing which would it be?

[13/02/2009 23:33:10] Temitope Akinyemi says: that’s a veeeery tough question o

[13/02/2009 23:34:32] Deola Kayode says: I take that as him being full of compliments

[13/02/2009 23:34:50] Temitope Akinyemi says: abi o

[13/02/2009 23:35:23] Temitope Akinyemi says: because if I mention one, I will feel like mentioning another

[13/02/2009 23:35:42] Deola Kayode says: k lemme give u five

[13/02/2009 23:36:18] Temitope Akinyemi says: that’s generous!

[13/02/2009 23:36:49] Temitope Akinyemi says: In no particular order….

[13/02/2009 23:38:05] Deola Kayode says: anyone would guess that

[13/02/2009 23:39:54] Temitope Akinyemi says: He’s a man of wisdom; he’s passionate, got great sense of humour

[13/02/2009 23:40:46] Deola Kayode says: ok…

[13/02/2009 23:41:39] Temitope Akinyemi says: and he’s got integrity and creative

[13/02/2009 23:42:41] Deola Kayode says: on two counts I want 2 messages on building relationships for

1. Those in relationships

2. Those in marriage . . . one more question and I’ll let you rest, you have a busy day tomrrow

[13/02/2009 23:45:29] Temitope Akinyemi says: For those in relationships, I’ll say, this period is the best opportunity to build a fantastic foundation of friendship, don’t waste it doing irrelevant things….talk and talk, ask questions, know each other as much as possible

[13/02/2009 23:47:21] Temitope Akinyemi says: Two, use this period to become friends with each other’s friends, colleagues, etc; move into each other’s world, become involved, it helps you even see what others think about your partner. This really helped me

[13/02/2009 23:50:09] Deola Kayode says: this is my valentine edition; in one final note sister, I want you to send him a message from here (he might as well be reading your “typings” anyway)

[13/02/2009 23:50:52] Temitope Akinyemi says: For those in marriage, don’t stop talking. On the day that happens, the marriage begins to dwindle. Also, a successful home is about a conscious decision to have it so, let every selfish decision be checked by the mutual vision of having a model home

[13/02/2009 23:51:17] Temitope Akinyemi says: Yessso, he’s peeping on and off, beside me here

[13/02/2009 23:53:40] Deola Kayode says: you just gave a powerful one on marriage there… thanks!

[13/02/2009 23:56:53] Deola Kayode says: u dere…

[13/02/2009 23:57:30] Temitope Akinyemi says: Adeolu Babawale Adigun Akinyemi, you’re too many things rolled in one. You’re God’s perfect gift to me and I’m ever grateful. Thank God I said “YES”. This season is not sufficient to express my love and affection towards you, my husband, lover, business partner and best friend. I celebrate you and will always love you. Your baby….

[13/02/2009 23:57:40] Temitope Akinyemi says: I could go on and on….lol

[13/02/2009 23:58:53] Deola Kayode says: should I be surprised?

[13/02/2009 23:59:03] Temitope Akinyemi says: Are we done?

[13/02/2009 23:59:33] Deola Kayode says: yes

[13/02/2009 23:59:53] Deola Kayode says: I must thank you for such a splendid moment, and have a pleasant val’s day.

[13/02/2009 23:59:57] Temitope Akinyemi says: it’s a pleasure

(this interview started some hours into val). The same foundations and principles that make relationships last and marriage blissful are core principles of friendship. Is he/she your best friend?, how do you relate? Do you spend more time appreciating her strengths, or complaining about his weaknesses.

Intimacy + commitment = friendship

Intimacy + commitment + passion= Love

Finally, do you have a vision of what your relationship should be? that is responsible for the way it is today. Commit youself to making your partner happy and you’ll be surprised at the results. Really what we give, sow, express, project and communicate ( by action and words) will ultimately come back to us as a reward – - Good or Bad.

A capsule of wisdom in a season of watering love.

Happy Valentines day. watch out for part II with Deolu Akinyemi

Truly, it’s been long I had such a communication that touched me deeply. I have a passion for helping people navigate the critical bends of their lives especially by sitting down to talk it through. Most people who knew me in Great Ife, where I had my tertiary education knew I was always happy to share quality time with people; listening, sharing and helping them through critical moments… spending 9 hours talking with some is incredible, especially for a “quiet’ person like me, but I did-once. But I always felt it was in those kinds of little chats and interactions that decisions are reinforced in people and not in massive programmes and meetings.

There was this story of a Lion and it’s cub that moved into another forest and were planning to take over. After moving stealthily around the forest, the Lion sat down to rest with its young cub.

“Dad, how we will take over the forest, since we’ve already discovered five strong bears living here?” the young cub asked.

“Not to worry, there is one method my father taught me, and it has always worked”.

True to the daddy lion’s words, they succeeded in using the same method to kill every one of the five bears living in the forest.

“You used the same method, to defeat every one of them, how were you so sure it was going to work?”. The young cub asked again.

That was what I asked my dad and he told me the simple truth; the bears never commune with one another.

So has been the case with us. You wonder how funny it is for the devil to plague three different people in the same house, church or workplace with the same challenges and he succeeds to tear them apart. You do not need to wonder why- we do not fellowship. We may chat, gist, talk about weak issues with passion, but we leave the major issues that need tending in our lives, because we think we can battle them on our own. Maybe we can, but then many would have been lost.

I remember the cliché words of the lord of the rings;

All will be sacrificed… All will be lost… Unless all unite against evil.

Fate has chosen him. A fellowship will protect him. Evil will hunt them.

Truly most of us have this deep inward feeling we are called to play a key role in the game of life. We struggle and battle challenges, face odds, silently pained, secret challenges without understanding that on the strength of others, we arrive faster. Life is a puzzle where others might be holding the keys to our question mark. Destiny may have chosen Frodo, but then he needed a fellowship to protect him; we all need a fellowship of our own.

This is not a group fellowship, it is not about a church that think all is well you because you fulfil your religious obligations.

In an age that emphasises individual achievement and personal opinions and boundaries, we are in desperate need of true friendships; a fellowship of the heart, a fellowship of strength. Take those ships deeper, your relation-ship, your friend-ships, your marriage; relating with your son or daughter. Take them deeper than the superficial nothingness that makes it seem like things are going well, on the surface. Ladies, Mums and Dads are usually guilty of these; they talk about everything safe things that affect them personally. Guys can spend hours arguing over their teams, but not offer their experiences which may shorten the travails of their arguing companion.

Of course you do not need everyone. There are too many bad people. If you do not choose your friends, you will lose, but find him/her or even them, they are gifts from god in your life. People who you can be a force multiplier in your life. People who will help you arrive at the end faster and easier than you would have done struggling. I’ve had my moments and friends were there for me. Before the day of adversity comes; You need a fellowship of your own.

”We and the world, my children, will always be at war.

Retreat is impossible

Arm yourselves” – Leif Enger

Why is it that so many marriages do not work? Why does a relationship that starts with two people gazing longingly and lovingly into each others’ eyes, end with those same people not even being able to look at each other except in disgust? Why is it that two people who promise each other to do everything to make the other happy, end up not being able to bring themselves to even acknowledge the other’s presence?

Before you even attempt to answer these questions consider the following examples:

1. A guy I know met a lovely young lady during our first year in university and shortly afterwards, started dating. This “model relationship” continued all the way to graduation. They eventually got married a few years after university (they had been together for a total of 9yrs before they got married). How lovely! One might say. Well, they were divorced 6months after they got married.

2. An acquaintance had been dating this girl for about 6years. They broke up, she met someone else and she was married within a year of meeting the new guy. They were divorced 3months later.

3. I heard of a couple who had been together since they were in their teens. By the time they were married, they had been together for about 16years. They divorced 2months after the wedding.

Just in case you were wondering, these are real life examples. I could go on with so many more, but there wouldn’t be space for anything else.
There are about a thousand reasons why marriages do not work, but for the purpose of this article, I will just deal with what I call the change factor.
Is this a guy problem or is it a girl problem? Is it a parental problem or is it a societal problem?

When two people meet and discover they like each other enough to want to be together, it feels like a breath of fresh air. He’s met this girl who makes him feel like he’s never felt before in his life. She’s met this guy who makes her believe that God indeed answers prayers. They start off on this journey that would take only death to pry one away from the other. They become each other’s confidant, telling each other stuff they’ve never told anyone before; he’s the last person she talks to before she sleeps and the first person she talks to when she wakes up; all of a sudden, the cries of “I’m so busy, I haven’t got time for a relationship” become, “let’s take next week off, so we can go off somewhere”. In short, it’s a dream come true. Neither can see any reason why this cannot go on forever. In the not too distant future, wedding bells begin to ring.

When the wedding ends, the marriage starts. Unfortunately, the word marriage means different things to different people. I use the word, “unfortunately” because marriage should be the beginning of a lifetime journey of discovery and devotion, initially to your spouse and eventually to your new family, when children come into the picture. That in no way implies that the journey is or will be an easy one. But what makes it easier (not easy) to deal with, is the knowledge that you are devoted to someone else other than yourself and that someone else is as devoted to you. But the reality is that no matter how devoted a couple is to each other prior to tying the knot, marriage always brings a new set of expectations. Things that they used to laugh and joke about now become disrespectful. Statements like, “I’m your husband, you cannot talk to me like that” or “Do you expect me to be a wife without an opinion?” become frequent and before you know what is happening, everyday becomes about conflict resolution.

The Husband

When he was not yet a husband, he was the ideal boyfriend. Always attentive, extremely caring, generous, protective (not possessive), and a dozen other “Thanksgiving-worthy” adjectives. He is completely selfless in his love and devotion to his girlfriend. When a childhood friend says, “how can you be with that girl, I know about 20 people she’s been with”, he ex-communicates that friend. When another friend says, “you guys look so happy”, he glows and that one becomes his new best friend. He introduces her to his parents and they fall in love with her, as she is such a cultured young lady. He meets her parents and they are so happy that their daughter has found a responsible young man. He’s now ready to step it up, so he buys a ring and proposes in the most romantic, fairytale- way imaginable. She accepts and wedding plans start. HOLD ON! He calls up his new best friend and says, “I’ve noticed some things about her that I don’t like, and I never noticed them before. Was I so in love that I did not notice or are her true colours coming out?” His friend says, “don’t worry, no matter how much you love her, you cannot like every single thing about her, but maybe you should tell her about it.” He decides not to, because he does not want it to seem like an excuse to not get married.

So the wedding plans continue as normal and D day finally arrives. The wedding ends, the marriage starts and for the first few months, it’s all good. Suddenly, he wonders why he should go grocery shopping with her every month like they used to. He tells himself, “after all, we’re married now and I’m the husband. It’s her duty to do that”. Again, he wonders why he should help her out in the kitchen when she’s dead tired, like he used to when they were dating. He tells himself, “after all, we’re married now and I’m the husband. It’s her duty to do that”. Again, he wonders why she gets upset when he works late without telling her he’ll be late. He tells himself, “after all, I was out working like a responsible man and I take care of my responsibilities, why should I take permission from her to come home late from work?” Again, he wonders why she should use his phone without telling him or answer his phone without him asking her to, like they used to with each other’s phones when they were dating. He tells himself, “What right does she have to answer my phone without permission, isn’t my mobile phone supposed to be private?” Again, he wonders why she should argue with him when he wants to watch “prison break” while “sex and the city” is on, they used to take turns to watch their favourite shows together. He tells himself, “after all, I am the husband and pay all the bills, so I should be able to watch what I want in my own house.”

By this time, the relationship that was filled with so much laughter becomes one filled with so much tension, because she feels she has to practically walk on egg shells so as not to anger him.

The Wife

She was the ideal girlfriend; caring, loving considerate, thoughtful and selfless. A childhood friend tells her, “that guy is a player, I heard he’s a heartbreak specialist”. Her response, “I’ve always known you were jealous of me.” She knows he is the one and has never felt stronger about anything in her life. She’s waiting and hoping that he proposes to her. When he eventually does, she tells herself, “can life be any more wonderful?”
The wedding ends, the marriage starts and for the first few months, it’s all good. Suddenly, she wonders why he wants to go out with his friends on Friday nights, when he should be home with his wife. She tells herself, “He used to go out a lot when we were dating but should that not stop now that he is married?” Again, she wonders why she cannot answer his phone when it rings. She tells herself, “Now that we are married, should I not be able to answer my husband’s phone?” Again, she wonders why he spends so much time at work. She tells herself, “Now that he is married, should the overtimes he’s working not be reduced, so we can spend more time together?”

What you will notice from these two scenarios is that after the marriage, they both had different expectations from the other. They expected the other to be a certain way, “because we are now married.” Marriage is a journey and usually a difficult one, because you are no longer living for yourself but for someone else (well, that’s how it should be anyway). When a couple gets to the point where they feel like the other should change things that they initially had no problem with, because they are now married, it will take a miracle for that marriage to stand. Take one of the issues in the first scenario: This must have been a guy who would probably call and say, “I’m working late today darling, will be home about 9 or so”. But when he gets married, he believes as long as she knows he’s at wok, he does not need “permission” to be home late from work. You might be surprised at the number of times I’ve actually heard this line from guys. That’s not seeking permission; that is acknowledging the fact that there is someone else in your life and that person should be important enough know to why you are not home on time. I don’t think this makes you any less a man.

Admittedly, there is a behaviour on the part of a wife that makes a man feel that if he acknowledges this fact, it’s tantamount to emasculation. It’s possible, and it has been known to happen, for the wife to act in such a way that the husband does not feel like he owes her any kind of explanation. Consider this example: John is a hardworking man. He has a job that sometimes requires him to be at work till about 9 or 10pm. His fiancée knows this and in fact loves that he is so hardworking and takes his work seriously. They got married and after a few months, she started complaining about the time he spends at work. He is genuinely surprised because his weekdays have always been like that. She believes now that he is married, he has to do something about it. The situation has always been like that and he cannot understand why there is a problem now.

He’s even more irritated because he goes out of his way to leave work as early as is practicable, but the nature of his job means he usually has no choice. It’s painful to him because he wonders how his wife can know all this and still act the way she is. If the wife in this case had an issue with his work hours before they were married, she should have mentioned it to him. It’s always much easier to deal with a problem when it rears its head than to wait for it to grow and fester. She could have thought, “Well, when we’re married, I’m sure he will reduce the hours”, forgetting he actually does not pick the hours he works. If she had voiced her concern before the wedding, it would have been easier to resolve, rather than wait till they were married (and in case you were wondering, it’s NOT possible that the work hours did not cross her mind before she accepted his proposal). This is where selflessness and sacrifice come in.

A couple needs to understand something very simple: it is NOT your duty or responsibility to make yourself happy, it’s your spouse’s duty. That probably does not make sense, but think about this for a second. If your priority in your relationship is to make yourself happy, and your spouse’s priority is to make himself/herself happy, what you have is a self-centred relationship. That sounds harsh but that is the reality, because in many regards, each one will try to ensure that he/she is happy and the other person’s happiness becomes secondary. You might argue that it’s possible to make yourself and your spouse happy, which does make sense. But what do you think would happen if you left that job to your spouse, while you concentrate on making the other person happy. If both are honest about this, that’s going to be a relationship that would be pretty hard to break. The problem of course becomes, “what if you know you are concentrating on making the other person happy and the other person is not doing the same, what then?” Well, it is more than likely that if the other person is not doing the same, there is a reason. Try to talk to them. Find out what is wrong and if there is something you’re doing or not doing. This sounds a bit mushy, but if you really want your marriage to work, you have to be willing to make sacrifices and if you consider sitting your spouse down (especially men!) and having that kind of conversation a bit much, I’ll say this; try it and see what happens.
People need to understand that marriage goes way beyond the festivities of the wedding and the anticipation of living together. Marriage involves an incredible amount of sacrifice. A very common problem is unwillingness to make that kind of sacrifice or just not realising that it takes the kind of sacrifice that you have never made before to make a marriage work. I know that sounds like a cliché because everyone says it, but have you actually sat down to really think about what those words mean? Before you pack your bags, ask yourself a very simple, but very profound question, “Have I done everything to make this work? If there was another chance, would I do things differently?” If so, “which things would I do differently?” If you can be honest with yourself and not let ego cloud your reasoning, your marriage CAN still work.

Sacrifice is about forgetting about you.

Sacrifice is about closing the door on your ego.

Sacrifice is about swapping convenience for inconvenience for the sake of your relationship.

Sacrifice is about acknowledging the fact that your spouse’s happiness is primary and yours is secondary.

Sacrifice is about accepting a view you don’t necessarily agree with for the sake of peace in your home.

Sacrifice is realisation of the fact that disagreements will arise, but they do not need to escalate to quarrels.

Sacrifice for women, is the realisation that no matter how strong-willed you are, your husband is the head of the home and should be accorded that respect.

Sacrifice for men, is the realisation that head of the home is not synonymous with dictator.

Sacrifice for women, is the realisation that ALL men are born with egos and when you try to compete with a man’s ego, the marriage is the sufferer.

Sacrifice for men is the realisation that her being married to you is a choice she made and it’s your duty to make sure she does not ever regret making that choice.

Sacrifice for women is the realisation that you cannot understand a man’s ego because you were not created to understand it.

Sacrifice for men is the realisation that women were created to be loved, not understood.

One of the reasons why there is such a sharp contrast between when people are dating and when they get married is because in the former, they tend to be more tolerant (either because he feels, “I’m sure when we’re married, she will stop doing this or that”, or she feels, “he is not my husband, so he should not expect me to be this or that way”). Obviously, there are things that responsible men and women should stop or start doing when they are married. The problem is that men and women expect the other to know what changes to make as soon as marriage sets in. People are stuck in the mind frame of, “a man should know what he ought to do” and “a woman should know what she ought to do.” So I guess the obvious question is, “if you should not expect someone to change as a result of marriage, how are you sure the person knows how you want your marriage to be?”

The answer to that is quite simple; Talk about it, BEFORE the wedding! The problem is so many people spend so much time planning their wedding, but not their marriage. And if you think a talk about a subject like that may be awkward, then maybe the relationship is not as strong as you think or want to believe it is. If you had issues with certain things before the wedding, why do you think marriage will change it? When you were dating, you used to go grocery shopping together, you’re married now and feel it’s the wife’s duty. While I don’t have a problem with a man or woman’s duties, men need to understand that things as simple as grocery shopping mean a lot to women. For women, it’s a lot more than grocery shopping; it’s about doing something together as a couple. If during the pre-marriage period, they hardly or never did that together, that’s fine. But if you had no problem with it before you were married, why is it a problem now? Someone might argue that, “I’m the only one that works, I get back home and I’m tired. Is it too much to ask her to do just that?” That’s a valid argument, but the question in that case would be, how was that issue resolved before you got married? If you were not living together before the wedding, then there should have been a discussion about issues like that (it does not have to a formal, serious discussion). I’ll say this again, so many people spend so much time planning their weddings, that they forget to plan their marriage.

A lot of people believe they can change the other person. The fact is, no one can change anybody. Someone can decide to change because of someone, but can also decide not to change. My point is, if you met and fell in love with someone and did not like certain things, but were quiet about it, don’t expect marriage to change them. If you have an issue with things he/she does, sit down and have an honest conversation about it. Unless you’re married to a psychic, don’t expect the other person to know what you want or expect without telling the person and then get upset when they act the way they’ve always acted.

The bottom line is this: The way a relationship was prior to getting married does not have to change because of marriage. If anything, marriage should make that relationship deeper. Spouses should make sure that their priority is the happiness of the other. If we can all be honest about this, the sky will be the starting point, not the limit.

SUCCESSFUL CONFLICTSConflicts may be absolutely normal in relationships, but too much of disagreements and issues may destroy the emotional strengths, deplete trust and increase the amount of doubt in the future of the relationship. Conflicts in the relationship are indications of the places that need ironing out between the new lovers. Lovers must ensure that their position and wants (habits, attitudes and preferences) do not threaten the very fabric of the relationship.

COMPROMISE

SHALLOW RELATIONSHIPS

since humans attitudes, history and personalities are variables, the factors are endless. the factors are just pointers to the fact that things reraly happen suddenly and without our contributions. it is better to recognize our positions and work towards a long lasing happiness. ciao

What does it matter since I’m married? Yes! This is because researchers have found out and proven again and again, that the principles that will sustain marriages are usually cultured at the beginning of the love relationships, but forgotten few years and months after marriage. Thus, reducing the marriage into a series of roles and routines. The irony of these facts is that “loveless states of love” do not, against all our sentiments and feelings, happen suddenly. Certain attitudes, behaviours and mentalities give indications and signals that tell us that our love relationships are about to ship-wreck. (relation-ship). Few of the indicators are given below;

LAZY LOVERS

Sometimes we believe because we are in love things will automatically work out in our relationships, but often times, it is not true. Love at first sight is not enough. Why should we pay attention to how we build the relationship? Because love is a fusion of personalities, attitudes, experiences, hopes and aspirations. You can’t expect that to be easy. Many of us also believe that because God has said it, things will automatically work out for us in our relationships. The person that comes into our lives might be a gift from God, what we make out of that relationship is our gift back to him.

PERPERTUAL RECIEVERS

We all know what a financial bank account is. We make deposits from time to time to build up a reserve from which we can make withdrawals when we need to. Then we imagine the two individuals involved in a love relationship having “emotional bank accounts”. Every time we show courtesy, kindness, honesty and commitment, you build up your emotional bank reserves, every time you overreact, ignore, cheat or lie, I deplete the trust and commitment reserves in the relationship. The attitude and behaviour of each one of the lovers make deposits or withdrawals from our emotional accounts. If lovers continually destroy the accounts within the relationship, they will end up with empty accounts and dispassionate and unfulfilled lives…and suddenly, things end. many of us take pride in being recievers, who do not have to do anything to make relationships work. that was the same thought of the green grass during rainy season. there may be times which all that

LATENT BAGGAGES

When commuting by air, land and sea, excess luggage predisposes passengers to danger. A baggage is a metaphor for unnecessary issues, expectations and experiences we tend to carry into our relationships. When these issues are allowed, for example; false expectations and fear because of our past, attitudes we got away with while being uncommitted or the acquired traits, gotten from our parents or previous relationships, or the unnecessary interruptions from external forces/people…the list of unwanted baggage is almost endless. When these are allowed into fruitful relationships, it discolours the potential of the relationship, and causes our personal preferences and views overshadow the benefits of the relationship.

These are just three, there are still some in the kitty,I will continue tomorrow.

Especially as pertains to the youths of today, marital relationship is one crucial avenue where the devil plans to steal our dignity, shatter our dreams and finally truncate our destinies. The person you get into a relationship with is as important as the destiny you are called to fufill. She will either be a help meet to achieving your God-given purpose, or a distraction you have to cope with all your life. People say a broken courtship is better than a broken marriage, in as much as that is true; it is no excuse to go on a serial relationship spree. Every relationship you get into never leaves you the same; we’re either bitter or better. I’ve seen people shattered by wrong relationships; I’ve seen relationships last 3 weeks, 6 months and studied ones that went as far as seven years of loving and building a strong foundation for marriage. I’ve come across ladies and men who settle for “situations” that looked like relationships to them. I have also come to discover that the pains of one relationship becomes the burden for the next one; all these issues, the pain, the trial and triumphs all begins in our decision to get into any relationship at all.
Having to deal with my own challenges has taught me a lot, and has tremendously benefited my present relationship (still short though-2nd yr) and other ones that God has given me the privilege to have been part of. I want to warn though- much of what I’ve learnt and written here is driven by a passion to present all I have, including my relationship as a representation of what is true, standard, and will meet the desire of God and men. If this is not your desire, this may roughly challenge your personal psychology.
They are just questions; they do not answer all questions but fundamentally will address the salient ones. They generally will address your sincerity and expose your reality. If you really want to have a stress-free relationship, you both need to read this. I do not need you to answer yes or no, but search within for which part answers your name and let the light of truth shine upon your heart.
However, feel free to comment on this article.

§ What are your standards/values?
Values are like compasses, they give direction to where we have chosen to be our destination. A ship with two captains, two compasses, two agendas and two destinations is destined for a shipwreck. Two of the major factors that shape our values are our religion and our experiences. What exactly are you looking for? What are the most important things to you in life? A lady who values honour yokes herself with a guy whose primary preoccupation is fun. Where do you hope the relationship will end? Some people get into relationship because parents say it is time; for some it is because their friends are doing it. I once asked someone what projected day he hopes to marry his lady and he told me he never thought of marrying her. Is your relationship to satisfy your emotional desire or to form a strong union that guarantees a good reward for your labours? I once knew a Christian woman who insisted on getting into a relationship with this Muslim brother which she eventually married, I heard not too long ago she has been forced to pack out after 9 years of marriage and two kids while the man went on to marry a new Muslim wife….Today she lives as a single parent knowing she should have made the right choice years ago. Examples of this abound, as I can continue to give examples of this case scenario. Conflict of values is one of the reasons why I am totally against inter-religious marriage. People should not see your relationship and doubt if they are sure they know the direction in which your life is going. Before you agree to a relationship what end do you see? Most campus and school relationships end at the school gate because their actual innate desire was to get someone to spend campus life with. Where does your conviction lie? Are you motivated by what you see or what is within? It is God who brings our partners across our way. Another school of thought believe man must find, guys must bend over backwards orchestrate schemes while “he that findeth” as reference. Many people have used their eyes to pick up all kinds of baggage in the name of finding. I once had a discussion with someone and told him….a prudent wife is from the Lord. Friend it is only God who gives without adding sorrows. Patient choice is key.

§ Are you a + or a -?
According to the principle of synergy, 1 + 1 should not be 2. It should probably be 20,000. The actual question should have begun by asking if you are 1 or ½. Only 1 will chase a thousand, not ½. The awesome truth is that we bring who we are and our baggage (immaturity, weaknesses, pains, strengths) into the relationship. Therefore, before approaching the lady or before accepting a proposal, are you a + or you will soon become someone else’s project? It becomes an easy ride if that person becomes an addition to your life. A synergic relationship translates to the alignment of strengths between partners. It means the complementing of strengths and weaknesses. One partner makes up in character for what is lacking in another. That is why the spiritual dimension of this is too important, for only God knows what complementary traits you need to accomplish your purpose. It is too important to know that before a partnership there is a building up of strength and character within. It is for your own good that you do not become a liability to your partner. How faithful are you first to yourself? How faithful and dutiful will you be? Faithfulness and honour are words that may not be at the center-pint of your decision, but they are the most defining attributes of the relationship Pro 31:10’ a worthy woman who can find? For her price is far above rubies…”; Pro 20:6 Most men will proclaim every one his own kindness; But a faithful man who can find? True to those words they are scarce attributes we must search for. The truth here is that a faithful man will always find a faithful woman…water ill find its level or every seed will produce after its kind. A deceptive lady will encounter many a deceitful bros. one simple advice…be a gift!

§ Are you a growing adult or a child?
I am one unrepentant believer in the principle that as we mover closer to the end of time, age will fade out into oblivion. Age won’t matter, only the ability to deliver. An on-line consulting lawyer’s forum in 2003 awarded the best consultant to a user only to find out he’s just a nineteen year old high school student. Those who have defined the status ready for marriage are in for a redefinition. A book once said anyone who has a stable job, a car, a house, lives on his own house and not with his parents is ready for marriage. Any smart 18yr old American can do that! It takes more than physique to be ready. What about emotional, spiritual, and psychological maturity, it really does not matter what he has in the physical, with time what is within will produce the tangible. I will only give two striking insights about children.
One, children don’t know what they want, their needs are transient. You remember how you wanted everything in the supermarket? Just like me…at a time I loved cartoon books, later I switched over to shotguns, ninja turtles kit…then no I wanted a BMX bicycle! The ability to make decisions and stick with it is one of the traits of adulthood. Most people get into the supermarket and feel like buying everything, but it is discipline that conditions us not to withdraw all your money to buy it. Some guys change ladies like the shirt the put on. Most married guys will admit they met more than fifteen ladies finer than their wives since they met them. They have come to know that love is a choice rather than a mushy feeling. They have made the decision to build their life with another, come rain, come shine. Kids’ attachment to what they like is based on proximity. Proximity between individuals breeds intimacy- while not yet making a conscious decision about a relationship; proximity creates a false sense of belonging and intimacy. It takes only a sustained absence of the other subject to realize that Propinquity brought them together. Workmates, classmates, flat mates while transmutation to relationship is possible, it is not always true and may not always last-except for the maturity of the individuals.
Two, children are selfish, right from start. It begins when the baby discovers that when they cry, they catch everyone’s attention and get what they want. It does not matter if mom is sleeping and dad is working the baby wants food period! A difficult time await the self-centered individual who goes into a relationship for what they can get attention, gifts, money and everything at the detriment of your mate. We do not just get into relationships for what we can get; rather we enter into unions for what we can contribute. If we are contribution-driven and service-oriented we add value to our partner thus placing them in a position to honour us in the same or greater way. Are you still focused on what you can gain from relationships rather than what you can contribute? You might need to take your time before you become frustrated. Simply put, are you coming to serve or be served?
§ Are you a Colonizer or an immigrant?
This cliché was borrowed form Norman Wright’s book, relationships that work and those that don’t. Using this analogy will be fairly easy in a nation where the ability to travel out of the country depicts status. Supposing you arrive as a first timer in England, the way you associate with the people, places and environment will change. You step into the environment with a different mindset, like a learner; trying to become accustomed to the changed culture. You will be careful not to jump queues, litter the ground with paper, and cut corners while trying to cut corners- you will approach the country open to learn, open to change and willing to adapt.
This is far different from the way colonial masters approached Africa when they entered into the continent. For Nigeria, they turned and tried to change the region to fit their mindsets; forcefully amalgamating Nigeria, changed official languages, replacing the existing leadership structure with one which suits their needs and goals, all without regard for the people living within the region- they approached the country, with a determination to modify the environment and people to fit their own needs.
In a relationship that involves two people, two pedigrees, experiences and mindsets, it is more like entering into a new life to discover and learn how to relate and live with another person. It is not an avenue to change the other person to fit our ideas, it is walking together, planning together, working together, discussing and disagreeing to come into agreement- It is by this demanding process that intimacy is built. A relationship in which one person is the saviour and the other the disciple may not be well balanced as one day the disciple may make his/her mind up to also rise to the status of “oga” and the tussle for superiority begins. Life is giving a little, taking a little.

§ How stupid are the words “I’m sorry” and “please”?
They may look stupid especially in an era when we’ve been told to believe in ourselves than what any person or circumstance can tell us contrary. These two words can destroy any relationship. Take a few minutes to answer this question; how many states are in Ghana…take a guess. I bet most people won’t even try it, usually because we don’t want to be wrong. Really it takes nothing away from us. Our ability to honour and respect one another includes the ability to admit it when we are wrong and to even say it. It includes he humility to admit it when we need help. I once knew of a relationship that ended because they were both waiting for the first person to say “sorry”, what pride can do. These words are powerful deposit makers in our partner’s emotional accounts. They indirectly communicate to our partner that we value and respect their contribution and will not take them for granted. These words are the beginning of appreciating your partner’s contribution to your life. These words are free, though they only cost our sense of self pride and arrogance. Those who use them will always have their way. It requires an in-depth ability not to want to prove our self right so that we can win when it comes to issues. When we approach a relationship with the mindset of honouring our partner, putting them of greater value than our self interests, we are set for the top.

Watch out for the last part.