It is important to know and recognize the vital signs of a relationship’s potential. When I meet people and we talk about whether a relationship should continue or die, I quickly discover that relationship don’t break suddenly, the danger signal begins blinking long before a break up is imminent but the people were not watching out for them. Those times were actually opportunities to restructure and recognize those threats before they threaten your marriage or relationship.

I am not a fan of broken relationships and I will never be a fan of divorce. But then there are some courtships, dating or love relationships that will have too drastic an effect. The greatest tragedy of a broken relationship is not the loss of the intimate relationship, it’s a broken heart. When we break up, we leave behind parts of us thereby entering into another relationship defective. It is therefore important to know when to hang in or work on it, and when to move on, to understand when conflict is healthy and when it is destructive.

Caveat! It is crucial to know there are no absolutes, especially when dealing with human behaviour. These are some of the vital signs I thought about, you are free to add yours to it. There might be trouble;

1. If God tells you it is wrong. There are times when we enter into relationships even though we know we know it is wrong, even when our friends tell us we are making a mistake, especially when it seems the person it too good to be true- it probably is. Somehow, those things come back to hang us by the wrists.
2. If there is no one, no value, and no being to which you both submit to. There might be fire on the mountain. It is essentially proven that for any relationship to succeed, the two individuals should not be the center of attention of the relationship, something else, you both value and that will not get tired- God, vision, value could be in the center.
3. If you aren’t thinking of the future together. Have you ever thought about the future without imagining him/her there? You you plan your lives independelndependently of each other? Does he/she ever tell you about her /his plan without thinking of you? It’s probably because you are not in the picture yet.
4. If you are relating from the position of need. If you need the relationship to survive. If you need to be in the relationship. Is is a dangerous thing if you enter a relationship because the lady/man is filling a particular emptyness in your life.it is really not a good sign if your happiness depends on another person. It makes your happiness dependent of the actions and inactions of another person. Also goes to the paerson who enters a relationship because he feels he needs to fix the other persons life. Remember, a relationship or marriage is not a tool for evangelism, neither is it a tool to change the other person. When the contract between the fixer and the fixed is finished or cannot work out, they will look for another challenge.
5. If there’s no Chemistry: chemistry or passion is what makes a friendship (commitment, intimacy) graduate into a love relationship. No relationship will last long if the love and passion in the relationship is one-sided. The giver one day will be tired of putting so much into the relationship without receiving love. Every strong relationship is built on mutual strength, companion friendships and support. There is also
6. If you lose nothing if you end the relationship, it’s probably not worth much to you. Your partner should serve as an important source of encouragement, strength and support. At every slight disagreement, if you think of leaving and can readily think of getting another guy/girl, you may probably do that soon. It is an indication that no value is being added in the relationship.
7. If you have not learnt to fight successfully. Fighting successfully means the ability to fight and take corrections, the ability to disagree and not allow that to destroy the fabric of your relationship. Most couples in the heat of argument say things they never meant and that signals the end of a wonderful relationship. Times and moments of anger brings out the hidden person within, and if the two people have not mastered the art of coping with that person, an end might be imminent too.
8. If you are not open to change and growth. Relationships bring about new challenges and there may be need to constantly become accustomed to attitudes, mindsets, thought patterns and people we never thought we could never thought we could never cope with. More importantly, we will need to change and grow, but if we are comfortable and rigid about our mindsets, perceptions and attitudes, you may soon have to create a relationship with them! Long lasting relationships are built on the ability to complement and adapt to each other and the situations as they come around.
9. If the person exhibits a behaviour that makes the relationship difficult to stay. There are behaviours and attitudes such as fits of rage, stubbornness, smoking,one partners’ undue submission to external influence. Or if your partner sees himself incapable of changing.

There are lots of factors that make women more complex than men. Most guys in relationships spend a lot of time racking their heads and trying to figure out what their mate is thinking. My attempt will require some definitions so that my points can land on the right soil. There are many kinds of women- young, old, fat, skinny, talkative, quiet, Muslim, even Christians have qualifications… funky and geeks. Each category wants different things, different men for their different personalities and reasons. It’s enough to drive a man crazy. Kai!

I therefore need to qualify the kind of woman.

I mean women not girls - let’s clear that. I clearly think as a lady matures, the TDH syndrome (crush, mushy butterfly feelings…) gradually moves down the rung of her priorities that is why I generally advise young ladies not to make hasty choices at this stage of their lives… or why make a choice that will last as long as you are not yet wise. Most of them who make choices at this stage of their get to discover various aspects of their partner they never knew existed. Some guys have even been heartbroken because once the lady gets matured, the relationship becomes a prison and there has to be a jailbreak! But she said she loved me, what does she want anyway? One distinguishing feature is discernment- the ability to make good judgement devoid of emotions and sentiments. I love the bible verse that says, ‘’like a ring in a pigs snout, so is a maiden without discernment’, the MSG translation says “like a ring in a pig’s snout, so is a beautiful lady with an empty head.”

It is however better to focus on what real women want: the women who make guys feel good, and are able to motivate them to be  better men.

1. Men who are bold and decisive about their interests and beliefs.

There is something electric about a guy who is bold about his convictions. Some people women fall for people like this and say they love power, naa, they love passion. Inevitably, people who are passionate about what they do and believe in will succeed anyway. Secretly, women want their men to take the lead, take rational decisions and lock himself on his vision like a guided missile.

2. Women want a guy every lady wants.

Now I’m getting into troubled waters. This is known for a fact there is something attractive about a guy who has gathered immense value and most women will love to have him as a partner. Most men will agree that once they have a lady in a relationship, other women suddenly get interested in them. This has been responsible for lily-livered men hopping from one person to another in the hope of finding one better than the other. The truth is that there is a “must have” quality about a guy that makes a woman want him. To be wantable? Just be a guy that women love to spend their time with.

3. Man who makes her second on her commitment list

This is again contestable, but then though every woman wants to be appreciated, loved and dotted over, she will never appreciate a man obsessed with her. A guy who ever tells a lady she is the number one on his life list dangerously communicates a message to the lady; it is a risky venture to trust you- you are either too weak or just a freaking liar. Your obsession or insecurity drives women away faster.

A lady loves you more if she sees you value your faith, principles and integrity above her. It probably secures her trust and commitment. Every man should commit himself to something greater than fulfilling the needs of one person. There is an innate desire for any couple to commit themselves to something higher- a higher calling, value, ideals and God.

4. A man who is not threatened.

Believe me, not all women want every guy they meet to be worth millions of cash, look like Denzel Washington, built like Sylvester Stallone and talks like Beckham. They don’t expect you to be threatened by the achievements of the woman. They want a relationship where they will be allowed space to dream and be supported by their man. They want to know that their man supports them. There is no pride for a lady who has amassed a lot of fame and wealth, but then the husband is dying daily under the weight of her status. It’s hurting for a lady whose dream is being limited because the guy refuses to fly.

Women want a guy who will be their coach in life and not a competitor. But they DO want you to be headed towards success. They DO want you to have direction and pursuing it, not one looking back to see if the woman is catching up. Not feeling threatened because the he did not get a job. Hey they really do not want a guy mopping but as long as you’re heading towards your goals in life, you’re bound to attract women. And more importantly, reach your own personal success.

5. A feeling of security.

Women want to feel safe with a man. They want to know that everything’s gonna be all right. This doesn’t mean you have to be strong and bossy, or have millions of cash. It just means you have to talk reassuringly to her, look after her safety, and assure her when she needs it that things are going to be OK.

It also means offering protection, when she needs it. If she’s being threatened, defend her territory.

6. Express love actively.

Women love men who appreciate and express their love actively. They want to see, and not only see, they also want to hear your confession of love. A man is an active giver of love, not a passive receiver. Nowhere in the entire Bible did the Bible say that the woman should love the man, it says she should respect her- it is the duty of the man to love.

Not just in Gifts, but your all; time, energy, words, service and in any way possible to demonstrate the profession of love. Women want a man who is intelligent yet sensitive and kind to their emotional needs. It is an important characteristic that imply the man will share his resources and continue reliably protecting and caring for the family in all future unforeseen circumstances.

7. Women want men who admit they are human and can make mistakes.

Women desperately want a man to prove himself woman. The era of a man being the textbook superman is over and the ability to be true to their feelings and expressing their admission of guilt is an attractive magnet. He doesn’t run and hide from the tests of fear. He turns toward them and engages them boldly. If he fails at anything he seeks support and affirmation from the wife. His lady becomes his succour, the one proof that he can succeed if he ever tries again. To prove being a 21^st century Superman is to deny a woman of her role in being supportive of the man.

I think I’ll stop here, I have a meeting in Shagamu tomorrow…

N.B.:- am getting my numbers mixed up… all corrected!

The tagging finally got to me! I had  seen in while a couple of my friends were hustling to write and I was wondering if I could ever write anything about myself up to 25 points.

Finally, I was tagged on my facebook page and I decided tompaste it right here.

1. If I ever make it to 25, I’ll list it as one of my greatest accomplishments of today!

2. One of the things you might readily notice when you meet me, Is that I smile a lot. In spite of anything, I never stop laughing.

2. My most painful day was the day a lecturer, in a bid to prove I was cheating, picked a newspaper clipping and said I was copying from It. of course, his wisdom made me laugh!

2. One of the few things I hate doing Is talking about myself.

3. I spend more time solving other people’s problem than mine, what an irony!

4. I spend more than a whole day thinking of what to blog about and less than an hour writing it.

5. I once broke a guy’s arm while trying to show him how to use aikido skills to breaking bones!

6. When asked what side I love to sleep on- I didn’t know, I rarely sleep, I usually doze off! Even the last time I slept on my bed and in a nice way was December 6th last year. (It a new year decision to sleep on my bed)

7. Though I don’t talk much, the longest I have spent gisting with a friend was 9 hours! – and no, not my fiancée.

8. About my best food, there has always been a tie among Bread, garri and beans. So most times I take them together! I really don’t know which but in an order; beans, bread and garrI.

9. Cowbell chocolate, garrI and groundnut should give me an award. I used to take them together every day for more than ten years!

10. My most fearful day was when I stood In the midst of OAU Student Union guys and threatened to turn the whole school on them. It was 3am, we were two, and they were 14- looking dangerous and armed!- I did!

11. The most Important topics I love discussing are politics and relationships.

12. I did a lot of home work before asking Martha out. I needed to be sure before asking, I wouldn’t survive a no!

13. I once had a relationship that lasted nine months (like 5 years ago). We had the rare privilege of organizing a break-up dinner!
14. The quotation “just few” was my mantra for many years- It still is.
F- There are five things you need to watch out for in life (see me In camera)
E- Men are looking for examples to follow, God Is looking for an example to show men. I intend to be the one on both sides.
W- The woman Is God’s secret weapon of changing the world

14. You’re right; marriage is one of the most important things I think of

15. I graduated from OAU after passing through 3 departments. Well, maybe it was not really necessary, but I did.

16. Because I have four siblings, we call ourselves THE FAMOUS FIVE (remember that book?)

17. When I was in medical school most people believed I would not practice medicine- except me!

18. In one single year 2004, I failed at so many things so much so I thought it must be a movie!

19. Some people say you must seek for a wife, but then the Bible says a prudent wife is from the Lord. I didn’t look for Martha, I discovered her. Martha was God’s gift in my life, and it came at a critical time. Don’t be surprised- my love for her keeps growing.

20.  I went to two secondary schools. In one there was no Christian fellowship, so we formed one.
When I got to the second one, there was a fellowship- but I always seemed to be absconding.
21. My laptop’s name is”Agbeke”

22. I never succeeded at being a good footballer. My team always wanted me to be the last man, and the opposing teams always never want me to be an opponent.

23. The first time I spoke to a very large crowd of people (over 500).  Seeing the large crowd, my first words were, o o  o  o God- I was speaking into the microphone.
24. One of the things I ‘m always grateful to God for is that I’ve never lacked people who believed in me. I’ve never lacked people who told me they were sure I was coming out shinning…I’m so surprised how I’m turning out.

25. I couldn’t stop at 24, so am glad I made it!

See ya!

A lot of the reasons are partly because of erroneous beliefs about men; Men just want to have fun and “freedom” with no responsibility; Men like the chase; If you’re too “easy” or approachable, they’ll get bored or lose interest; Men are dominant in relationships and women therefore are unable to express themselves, but then if you follow a few simple effective guidelines, they’ll be much more likely to get exactly what they want from men: a fulfilling, healthy, happy relationship. These misconceptions and beliefs about men women and men clung to are actually causing women to hurt in relationships.

This has caused more women to say that men confuse them and that they are unsure what a man is really looking for. They have tried to please them in the past and it hasn’t worked so no; the man can concentrate on pleasing them or leave. If the today’s society woman is to be believed, they don’t care what a man is looking for anymore because they have been empowered by their own sexuality and are comfortable in their new role as sexually liberated career woman in charge of their own destiny. In which case, as long as the man wants them, that is fine.

But then, deep within every woman, is the need to be loved and taken care of by a man, but then that depends on his needs being met.

I must warn you that my list is not what women want men to want, which, predictably, is a considerably different list. But if the idea is to understand men so that you might get along better, right? Well, this guide works, trust me – it is proven and tested

Men want a woman who will commit to them. Though increasingly this is hard to find, it doesn’t take away the craving in the need of their hearts. For a man Love id defined by respect, while for a woman, it’s selflessness. The man must be incredibly strong to resist a woman they find out can share their life with, someone they can trust and be open with. I know a lot of women want the opposite way round, but then, no man will commit to any woman, if he knows you do not respect him.

Men want you to support them in their work and help boost their confidence- he wants you to be his number one fan. Women who understand men do not put them down even when failing. Women who understand this ask even dump their careers to support the dreams of their man- ok, that’s very rare, but sound. I have discovered those who have had wonderful marriages have come into aligning their visions with one another to support each others’ goals. Common, just be a “you can do it, baby!” lady, and in return, women will find their man equally supportive because she understands him and does things to let him know she’s a believer. Call it enlightened self interest.

Men are seeking women who are feminine, gentle and kind because deep down the qualities that make a woman a great mother is an attraction in themselves. I do not suggest that the man himself needs mothering, though some do; it is more the point that men seek the attributes in women that point to someone who would make a great mother to future their offspring, not someone who’d rather rate her career above the destiny of the kids. The guy will just generally beat a retreat!

Men want a fun and exciting companion. There are things that a man will discuss with a woman if the level of communication and trust has been established. Sharing activities can also be a healthy way to build relationships. Exciting to some men may different things. So, what I recommend is know what you enjoy and find men who enjoy those activities. If women spend more time with men sharing some activities each week they are likely to get along better with the men in their lives. Men want to have a good time and relax when not working and so their ideal partners are women who are not supposed to have PhDs in nagging.(By the way PhD is pull- him-down)

Men love women who are masters of emotion. For example, men hardly ever like women who shout. They want a woman who can debate and converse and are both able to discuss issues with a view to evolving”our one view”. Communication is king. A fiery passionate temperament may have made you interesting and challenging to your man, but then women chase men away by competing with them; making them they dart of your emotions and expecting them to be the solution to all your emotional hurts, even the one your parents and the other guy caused.

Though men love challenging women, someone who keeps them on their toes. Men are generally lazy in relationships once they feel they’re  secure. When a man is challenged so he does something about it. If you want to keep your man interested, keep him challenged and in suspense (!- this is far from the ideals of delaying to tell him you love him)

Whichever way, what you give comes back to you. Instead of complaining when he withdraws, complains or makes an observation, have you wondered if it was because of the way you’ve been relating with him? When we give love, kindness, and respect, we will experience the law of abundance in action.

Men need you to give them private time to be left alone, to spend on hobbies and sports, and to spend time with other men. Some men need a few minutes to unwind when they walk in the door before sharing the day’s challenges. Some women need this space too, but. Do what works best for your relationship. I find that a sincere and compassionately deep hug upon greeting is nice, followed by a thirty-second kiss sometime in the next few minutes, helps re-establish that “connected” feeling.

Above all, nothing works more than understanding your man and loving him uniquely, and making him crazy about what he craves.

Watch out for what women want

I t was a special day. I remember Mr. Joshua, the CEO of Human Rescue Inc. laughing and sharing insights and jokes before retiring for the night. He had come to join the trainee life guards on a cruise around the Atlantic Ocean, and after sharing gifts for the trainee sailors, he descended to the cabin to rest. But for the others, it wasn’t time yet to rest, the boys still had a lot to talk and cheer about. There was that lady who had an epileptic son, who was jumping wildly. There was also the mad man they could not hold down in his rage by the sea. There were things that had just happened they could not understand… but then today was the time to joke about them and laugh!!!

Then the trouble started.

A hurricane overlooked by the weather reporters hit the cruiser ship, tearing the sail flag. Water flowed freely over the deck and into the cabins. The young sailor, fondly called “the rock”moved over to the steer and found the others battling to keep the ship afloat. While trying to do it himself he slipped over, falling flat on the deck.

Frantic over what to call unexplainable situation, he ran to call the master. It’s time to call the master … how could he give presents and go when we need his presence?

CEO Human Rescue, was not just Joshua; Joshua is the Hebrew version of Jesus (Greek). Their only mission is to rescue humanity, not so?

But then, it doesn’t matter the amount of gifts and provision he has given your life, his presence is more important. Are you distributing presents without his presence? It did not matter the gift of cloud and fire God was willing to give Moses, he insisted… unless your presence goes with us. Definitely his presence will produce presents and much more.

Today; Join me as we Celebrate presents and HIS PRESENCE TODAY, as I do not only celebrate the birth, but the finish. Not only was he born, he came and made his presence count.

Make yours count.

Merry Christmas. Cheers